At Your Own Risk: A Saint's Testament - Derek Jarman / Voices of Time - Eduardo Galeano

I'm going to pass through the 27 club mostly unscathed. It's not been a great year, no, but it has been one where I'm foundationally different. Can one change their origin? Maybe I mean more structurally different than reformatted - an exchange of matter. Cells that once were living replaced on their deathbed. Old turns of phrase reanimated by gods' sick hands.

I have moved - I live in the northwest kingdom now - started a new job on salary funds but emotional detriment. My mood remains rather pleasant however, even though I've been fairly poor about taking my meds with regularity. I've met someone up here and feel those pangs of early relationship energy in a way that I've been fairly unwilling to entertain and yet always seem to enjoy. I think similarly a man I was seeing in 2021's summer gave me those feelings. Predicated on a sexual relationship but one that made me feel safe, respected and loved. We'll see where this one goes.

The short of this is I'm feeling my 20s come towards their close, and thinking of my future minorly as breaking from the traumatic space of my past lets me know that in my independence I can just take things only as I want them and how I want them. I am getting that autonomy without punishment. The distance is doing me good. My therapist figured this, and even when I missed our appointment this week, she through a clear boundary of support without punitive appointment.

Things are changing. I'm growing up. I should be happy.

I also still feel the pangs that my life is slipping away. That I too slip with it. There's an assumption that the best work of our pasts were written in their youthful prime, and I do feel that pressure. I have written important things during these years and they have not hit recognition. I am not pictured youthfully on any forum of thought. I do not have a stream of stories to tell in this moment. I do not have 

And so we come to the two works I've read - Jarman and Galeano's personal essays of their experience. Jarman's his own mostly and Galeano going from oral historian to self-reflexive witness. Both artists were their recognized prime in their thirties so that as much makes me hope that I too can hit that point where my healthiness and my output exist simultaneous to a good livelihood.