My Wandering Warrior Existence - Nabata Kabi / Suncatcher - Jose Pimienta

I'm rather obsessively avoidant and have been since an experience where someone else in crisis used me as their outset of pain. Their love, their hate and their identity mirrored through whatever I meant to them and how it made them feel about themselves. It's really hard to phrase it in the terminology of abuse for me. I don't think I was abused, but guilted, manipulated, and then placed in mockery and jest and obsessive harrassment. How is that different?

Frankly, I'm not sure how I got there again. Scared of everything the last few years, I have made so little unlike the last time my world felt broken. Instead every day I've worked and ate like shit, escaping off to be high and alone - parasocially, prophetic or vicarious, my digital avatar wiped clean. How again after the last time when I wrote every day, every moment I could. When I felt empty I was able to scrawl commentary. Things that I face the writers doubt now with - them mere skeletons of a me I no longer am so thereby hauntings and dispossessed wrongness.

I can be...a downer. I can place myself pretty low and dig out pity easily. I don't remember things that happen just the bad ones or the filling space between physical relationship. Honest fragility is not on the table. I for sure can write it, and so I'm returning again a bit, now again at the high point of my cycle - production! Yes! I can do it again!

The question is if it is to dull the pain of loneliness and deferred identity. Feelings I have not and sensations that humble on dully. Is this performance? Am I feeling? I was scared I was a sociopath and then aromantic and then always that I just am selfish, uncaring, and someone meant to not feel/take part because I am fundamentally broken. Adult ADHD, chronically depressed, meatily disgusting.

Filth and frustration. Grim of dark longing.

If you've felt this way, maybe read Suncatcher? I don't really remember what happened in Wandering Warrior to be honest so that one is uh...less on the mind of creative self-destruction, but if we're not then why not. At the end, Pimienta reveals that he made the book because he wanted to draw guitars. Feels a good reason.