My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness - Nagata Kabi

When I graduated college I spent the summer jobless and desolate. I relied on my parents money (mainly my mom) to eat food, pay rent, and chained packs of cigarettes and cheap liquor constantly. I'd stopped going to shows earlier than that but it felt like I was living the life of not being able to afford anything, not having any interest and not knowing what to do with myself because taking on tasks is not something I am getting better at. I then worked as a substitute teacher and struggled to do anything else, just go into a job where I faced harrassment from students, dismissal from administrators and fellow teachers and pretended to be okay. I threw up every day for 2 months before leaving a position of kids that I had connected to but was being tortured by the situation and doing a bad job as a teacher for them. Irritable. Lifeless. Busy work and empty. It's not like school had been better but after entering that summer "unemployed" (if you work in education you cannot collect unemployment) and took out a Paypal credit account that I haven't been able to pay off to eat food pay rent and chain packs of cigarettes and cheap liquor.

When I got my current job at the academic library I work at, I was excited (overly so). It has ended up being a personless clerk who has to make up my own tasks of enjoyment once again. My coworkers and I are not connected and I am not happy - the first day of hire party was where no one talked to me beyond the only two coworkers who ever talk to me to this day. I typically go in for my shift (dwindling during the pandemic in amount and certainty or busybody tasks themselves) and sit and wait for it to be over. If I do have a task it is something I have created - book repair, weeding, research and archive development. I have stopped myself from borrowing money but started giving it away to people who took advantage of me and been on the brake of poverty every week since I can only work 1000 hours each year.

In between this start and now the horrible Winter-Spring I had and was homeless at mom's house living with my now partner but that's too complicated. I quit drinking on Thanksgiving last year and broke it (before but more seriously rock bottom on June 17th. But I haven't drank since then. I tried quitting smoking and have my time where I go a few weeks without nicotine but when Grandpa died I smoked a pack of Spirits that tasted like hell and kept buying menthol L&Ms every now and then and just bought some more JUUL PODS because I was suicidal for the whole month of November.

In short, My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is relatable. Its ending is not. but I read ecchi shonen-ai as a teenager and can relate to re-understanding myself daily. My therapist has called it codependency which it may be. I am tired of being miserable and trying to get to not being it and would reccomend a lot of people read this with its faults. I sped through while dissociating so you can too!

To say it's about the escort interaction is lying. "I had lost the things that had given me shape, and as they disappeared, I felt like I was dissolving into thin air." (9) Today 2 different friends reached out off misreading a post I'd shared of a person in need of help. I haven't asked for help since last year (financially) but I'm trying to learn to ask for help now as well as know the things I am.